Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Should be easier...Right?


I'm not sure what makes a death anniversary so difficult. I mean, he is no more gone today than he was yesterday or last month or last year. That said, it is still impossible not to dwell on that horrific day four years ago.

But this year one significant thing has changed for me. Over the years I have struggled to call up a picture in my head of the "before" Erik. The Erik before the drugs and the illnesses. It has been heartbreaking for the "after" Erik to be forever present in my mind when the "before" Erik was around for so much longer. But a few months ago, without going into too much detail, I had a poignant dream. In the dream I saw Erik. We were in a theater of sorts and my siblings and I were gathered around him talking about who knows what. It didn't seem to matter. What was important was that he was himself. His smile was genuine and there was that certain sparkle that he always had in his eyes. He was my brother Erik.

The peace that dream has given me is no small thing. I think about it often and I it begins to replace the ill Erik in my mind. I can't tell you how grateful I am for that seemingly small yet profound thing.

Another recent positive note is that a friend of my sister's kindly and amazingly took bunches of Erik's old shirts and make quilts for each of his siblings and my mom. She also made a pillow for my dad and grandma. They are AMAZING!! I will cherish it forever.

I am sure this day will get easier as the years progress. But I hope that it will never cease to be a day that we reflect on our brother and how much he will always mean to us. Love you, Erik!!

6 comments:

Aivaz Family said...

I love you guys! What a great post, Jenn. You are amazing.

Staci said...

Love the quilts - what a great friend!

I'm gearing up for my girl weekend (we leave tonight at 5:00), and I was trying to decide which projects to take. I pulled out some family reunion photos from 4 years ago and saw the younger smiles of my nephew who passed away in August. It was so breathtaking to see him in all his glory. I'd forgotten that once upon a time he wasn't in pain, had both of his arms, and was young and absolutely carefree. My heart broke all over again. So I guess it's too soon to do anything with Jeff in it.

Hugs on a bittersweet day...

Linda said...

Great post Jenn! I'm glad you had that dream.....I love and miss Erik so much. Love you!

Diane said...

This post got me pondering much. You have a great way with words and I hope you will carry the peace you need with you always.

Jennifer said...

Great post! I too am glad you had that dream and could share it. and how awesome of Natalies friend to make something so special....

Jennifer

Michelle S. said...

Jen, I love your post. I think it is amazing how much Heavenly Father loves us. I love that you had this dream. And I also love that you have these quilts. This is a warm, comforting post that I really needed today.

Thank you.