Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Should be easier...Right?
I'm not sure what makes a death anniversary so difficult. I mean, he is no more gone today than he was yesterday or last month or last year. That said, it is still impossible not to dwell on that horrific day four years ago.
But this year one significant thing has changed for me. Over the years I have struggled to call up a picture in my head of the "before" Erik. The Erik before the drugs and the illnesses. It has been heartbreaking for the "after" Erik to be forever present in my mind when the "before" Erik was around for so much longer. But a few months ago, without going into too much detail, I had a poignant dream. In the dream I saw Erik. We were in a theater of sorts and my siblings and I were gathered around him talking about who knows what. It didn't seem to matter. What was important was that he was himself. His smile was genuine and there was that certain sparkle that he always had in his eyes. He was my brother Erik.
The peace that dream has given me is no small thing. I think about it often and I it begins to replace the ill Erik in my mind. I can't tell you how grateful I am for that seemingly small yet profound thing.
Another recent positive note is that a friend of my sister's kindly and amazingly took bunches of Erik's old shirts and make quilts for each of his siblings and my mom. She also made a pillow for my dad and grandma. They are AMAZING!! I will cherish it forever.
I am sure this day will get easier as the years progress. But I hope that it will never cease to be a day that we reflect on our brother and how much he will always mean to us. Love you, Erik!!